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Hermine Moos, the Munich puppetier with a worker an the Almaniac.

HERMINE   Come, mate, will you lend us a hand?

PROLET   God forbid! I won't come near it.

HERMINE   You are from the packing company, aren't you?

PROLET   Madame, I've packed in my career all kinds of dirty things, but this is too much to ask of a honest man.

HERMINE   What's wrong with you?

PROLET   This is a monster. An evil witch. I can feel her dark power. If I touch her, something awful will happen to me.

HERMINE   Are you crazy?

ALMANIAC   He's right. (To Prolet) If you are afraid of strong erections, don't come near her.

PROLET   You said strong erections?

ALMANIAC   Yes mate, touch her and you'll get the most tremendous erections you've ever had in your life.

(Prolet starts to help the Almaniac to handle the doll. He touches her with great reverence, as if she were a sacred relic.)

PROLET   (To HERMINE, very suspicious) Is it true?

HERMINE   Sure. She has also the power to make your cock grow to king size dimensions.

PROLET   (Incredulous) Come on!

ALMANIAC   Tell him what happened to your friend.

HERMINE   Which one of them?

ALMANIAC   That sailor, who became a porno star.

HERMINE   He won't believe me.

PROLET   What happened to him?

HERMINE   Max had an average, medium size cock.

ALMANIAC   Seventeen centimeter, when up in arms.

HERMINE   seventeen and a half, but he was not satisfied with it.

ALMANIAC   Who is satisfied with the dick he got? Are you satisfied with yours?

PROLET   Shut up! What happened to him?
MAINA Maxi always wanted a bigger thing.

ALMANIAC   Who doesn't. Don't you?

PROLET   Hold your trap! (To HERMINE) Go on!

HERMINE   I made this woman specially for him.

PROLET   And - What happened to him?

HERMINE   He touched her and---

ALMANIAC   His hose doubled.

HERMINE   Almost. It grew only to 28.

PROLET   He got 28 centimeters?

HERMINE   And a half.

ALMANIAC   You see, she can add only one decimeter to the thing you've got.

PROLET   How… how long… how long does it take?

HERMINE   It takes some six weeks, sometimes seven.

ALMANIAC   But the hard-ons you get!

HERMINE   Oh, Maxi, where are you, my stallion? I can't get you out of my mind!

ALMANIAC   Elle aime l'amour qui fait mal!

PROLET   What's that?

HERMINE   You'll have to find a woman who loves when it really hurts.

PROLET   That's exactly the problem with my fucking bitch. All she wants is more and more! I come home after a long days labour, and there she is: come on Ruddi! Do your job! Give her always more and more! The fucking horny bitch…

ALMANIAC   You won't believe me mate, but Alma will do it for you.

PROLET   You mean---

ALMANIAC   Kiss her tits, and she'll make you perform for hours.

PROLET   Really? (He kisses the doll's tits)

ALMANIAC   You'll do it five times on end.

HERMINE   What's wrong with seven?

PROLET   Seven times?…

ALMANIAC   On a good night. Your bitch will scream:

HERMINE   No! Ruddi! Stop it! It's murder! Help! God! You're blasting me! Kill me! Kill me! Fais moi mal! Ruddi! Fais moi mal!

PROLET   My Gudrun doesn't speak French.

ALMANIAC   She will. Take the Alma treatment, and your Gudrun will perorate in fluent French and she'll sing whole arias in Italian.

PROLET   How can it be ---?

ALMANIAC   Doesn't the name Alma say anything to you?

PROLET   No, who was she?

ALMANIAC   She was some woman! She was the epitome of femininity.

PROLET   Did you know her?

ALMANIAC   Oh, yes. Oh, yes…

PROLET   She's got perfect tits, this I must say…

ALMANIAC   Speaking about her tits, they were much bigger than that.

HERMINE   I made them according to the measures he sent me.

ALMANIAC   Forget the measures he sent you. Her breasts were hanging all the way down to her navel.

HERMINE   Look! Here are the specifications.

ALMANIAC   Forget the specifications. She hugged me when I was ten. My head reached hardly her tommy. To this day I can feel the weight of her tremendous tits resting on the top of my head. That's what stopped me from growing higher. You must blow up her breasts.

HERMINE   I tell you I did everything according to the measures Kokoschka sent me.

PROLET   Who is Kokoschka? Is she another witch?

HERMINE   It's not she, it's he. He's some crazy painter from Dresden.

PROLET   All artists are crazy these days.

HERMINE   You tell me about them…

PROLET   A truck driver who came from Zurich told me an artist has put a latrine in the museum!


PROLET   Yes! The truck driver was going to pee in it, but they almost arrested him! They told him it was a work of art! Can you imagine? A latrine in a museum! And you are not allowed to piss in it!

HERMINE   It's Unbelievable!

ALMANIAC   The pubic hair is also not the right colour.

HERMINE   Give me a break with her pubic hair! It is exactly the colour he wants.

ALMANIAC   It can't be true.

HERMINE   Here, have a look.
(She unrolls a scroll with Kokoschka's Alma drawing.)

PROLET   Is this her?

HERMINE   That's what he sent me.

PROLET   Her skin has these things on it, like my Gudrun's thighs…

HERMINE   That's what happens to women at a certain age…

PROLET   What is that crazy painter going to with her?

HERMINE   I don't want to know.

ALMANIAC   He will take her out for promenades in the streets of Dresden.


ALMANIAC   Yes. He will even take her to the Opera, and to the theatre.

PROLET   You're kidding, man!

ALMANIAC   No kidding. He will even hire a maid to take care of her, to dress her, to comb her, to clean her skin.

PROLET   He must be mad, this poor cock-cock-shka .

ALMANIAC   It's Kokoschka, not cock-cock-shka.

PROLET   He must be mad as a hatter.

ALMANIAC   He is, my friend, he is. As are all the men who came under her spell. (He sniffs her.) There's one thing missing, though.

HERMINE   What's that?

ALMANIAC   It's her secret perfume. (He draws a small flacon from his pocket, and sprinkles the puppet with the perfume. )

PROLET   (He smells the perfume, and starts moaning and groaning like a horny pig. He gets fixed on HERMINE and starts to approach her, He is obviously sexually aroused.)

HERMINE   Hey, hey! Mate! Take it easy! Take it easy!

(To the Almaniac) Give him the antidote! Quickly! Before he'll rape everything that has two legs!

(The Almaniac sprays the Prolet with an antidote. They finish their job and HERMINE goes to the next scene. )